What Is “The Work,” Actually?

People say it all the time.

“You have to do the work.”“He’s not doing the work.”“I’ve been doing so much work on myself.”

But what is the work? What does it actually mean?

I don’t think this is very clear. At least, it wasn’t clear to me.

Is researching attachment styles the work?Is listening to podcasts?Is journaling?Is going to therapy?Is building awareness?

Yes. Sometimes.

But not in the way we often think.

Awareness is part of the work. It matters. If you don’t know what you’re doing, how are you supposed to change it?

But awareness is not the full picture.

One of the clearest signs that we’re stuck in the awareness phase is this: nothing changes.

You can explain the pattern. You can talk about it beautifully to the point that you may even teach it, sometimes even better than therapists.

And yet, your behavior stays the same.

At some point, continuing to analyze something you already understand has diminishing returns. It can even turn into self-blame.

You know your pattern, so when you repeat it, you judge yourself harder. Or you blame the other person for triggering you.

The real shift is in responding differently.

Think about skiing.

You can read everything about skiing. You can understand the mechanics. You can watch hundreds of YouTube videos. You can study balance, posture, and technique.

But none of that prepares you for standing at the top of the mountain, looking down, feeling your heart race, and pushing off anyway.

The learning matters.

But the work is going down the mountain.

The work is the vulnerability. The risk.The possibility that you might fall.

Personal growth is no different.

The brunt of the work, the uncomfortable, humbling, active part, is learning to trust yourself enough to act differently.

It’s what happens in the moment your nervous system is activated.

It’s what happens when you want to send the text. When you want to over-explain.When you want to ignore the red flag.When you want to abandon your own standard to avoid discomfort.

Step Into the Arena. Leave the Sidelines.

The work is evolving from hyper-awareness of every red flag to deep trust in yourself.

Trust that if something isn’t aligned, you will listen to yourself. Trust that you won’t abandon yourself.

The work is shifting the focus back to yourself.

Do I feel safe here? Are my standards being met? Is this aligned with what I said I want?

And then, this is the hard part, acting on that answer.

Even if it means walking away.Even if it means disappointing someone.Even if it means sitting alone on a Friday night.

The real work is choosing.

Choosing based on your standards.Choosing based on your values.Choosing even when the choice has consequences.

Self-trust isn’t something you wake up feeling one day.

It’s built through action.

It’s built every time you say, “This doesn’t work for me,” and you mean it. Every time you tolerate the discomfort of not chasing.Every time you let someone misunderstand you instead of collapsing your boundary.

The work is not tolerating the bullshit.

It’s also not forcing control.

It’s putting yourself in a position to choose and accepting that every choice comes with discomfort.

Sometimes the discomfort is loneliness. Sometimes it’s uncertainty. Sometimes it’s grief.

But the shift happens when you stop being afraid of those consequences.

When you trust that you can survive them.

That’s the work.

It’s active. It's embodied, and it's happening in real time.

If you’re tired of understanding your patterns but not changing them, let’s talk.

As a coach, I help clients (and myself) move from insight to action every day.