Living in Reality vs. Living in Our Wishes (and Anxiety)

I used to fight reality every single day. I longed for a more supportive boss. I wanted to be further along in my career. I wished my body looked better, and by that I mean perfect. More than anything, I kept wishing life itself were something other than what it was.

But all that wishing didn’t bring peace; it brought exhaustion. The harder I resisted reality, the more anxious, resentful, and powerless I felt. I was living in a world that existed only in my head, and the gap between that imagined life and the one I actually had became the source of my suffering.

When I discovered radical acceptance, I began to notice small but powerful shifts. I realized I didn’t need to fit into some box or meet anyone else’s criteria. I could accept that I was on my own unique journey, and from there, start living fully in my reality rather than constantly wishing it were different. The more I focused on what was real instead of what I wished for, the more peace I cultivated in my life, and the more grounded and empowered I felt.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean being complacent. It’s not pretending bad behavior is okay. It’s not sitting back passively while life rolls over you.

Instead, it’s about seeing the world clearly and separating your worth from the circumstances around you.

It’s saying: “This is what is happening. I may not like it, but I accept it. And now I can decide what I will do next.”

From that place of clarity, you’re not powerless, you’re empowered. You can set boundaries, make plans, take action, or even choose to move on.

Everyday Examples from Coaching

As a coach, I see this pattern with my clients all the time. They come in struggling with the gap between what they wish for and what is:

Relationships: Clients often wish their partner were more attentive, a better listener, or more emotionally present. They spend energy hoping for change that may never come. Acceptance allows them to focus on what they can do communicate clearly, set boundaries, and focus on what they can control.

Work Many clients wish they had a supportive boss, a clear career path, or a more collaborative team. Acceptance of the current reality helps them focus on actions within their control: developing skills, seeking mentorship elsewhere, or evaluating a career move.

Family Many clients wish their parents had been better parents. Acceptance doesn’t remove disappointment. It means recognizing that their parents may have been different and that it wasn’t their fault their parents couldn’t give them what they needed. Radical acceptance allows clients to let go of blame for the past while realizing they now have the opportunity to give themselves what they need and create the life they want.

The World Around Us Clients frequently wrestle with life’s unfairness, seeing dishonesty or inequity and wishing it weren’t so. Acceptance stops the wasted energy spent fighting the unchangeable, so they can focus on where they can make a difference.

The Trap of “Why Me?” Thinking

Clear sign that you’re resisting reality is when your mind is stuck on questions like:

“Why is this happening to me?”“What did I do to deserve this?”“What about me is attracting this?”

These questions make suffering personal. They turn a difficult reality into a reflection of your worth. The truth is, life isn’t singling you out, sometimes things just happen. Radical acceptance breaks this loop, helping you separate circumstance from self-worth.

Steps Toward Radical Acceptance

1. Name the reality clearly. Write down the facts of the situation, without judgment or “shoulds.”

2. Notice your resistance. Pay attention to thoughts that start with “if only” or “why can’t they just…”

3. Separate what’s in your control from what isn’t. Accept what isn’t, focus on what is.

4. Choose your next step. Decide: Do I set a boundary? Do I change how I show up? Do I move on?

5. Practice self-compassion. Acceptance is hard. It’s okay if it takes time.

Radical acceptance isn’t about giving up. It’s about giving yourself permission to stop fighting the unwinnable battle of “wishing things were different.”

When you stop resisting reality, you free up energy to make choices that actually move you forward.

It’s not resignation, it’s liberation.

If you feel like you are constantly struggling against reality or wishing life were different, I can help. As a coach, I work with clients to practice radical acceptance, set boundaries, and take actionable steps toward a more empowered, fulfilling life. If you want to talk and explore how radical acceptance can change your perspective and energy, reach out to me.

Let's talk